|Peter´s Corner presents: Humor!|
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2000-03-08 - 2000-03-13
Things to Say at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
Ask secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.
Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout; You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?' run out of room.
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'
Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Do Something Religious!
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are
on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's
all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the
"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.
The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small
feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the
lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I' ve been circumcised." the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"
A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived, he was pleased to
discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone.
"He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What?
On my own time?"
Golf and Sex
Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what
the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down
to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner.
"She's cut some of us out altogether!"
What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor!!
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
"Just where the heck do you think you're going!", said the man.
"I'm going to Las Vegas",said the wife, "I just found out I can't get $400 a night for what I give you for free!"
The man said,"Wait a minute!", and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
"Where the heck are you going?", said the wife.
The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"
25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK.....
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross"..
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
Biggest Crush Ever
This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.
After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't
get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.
He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never
notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.
He kicks her in the face.
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends
him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
#1 Merry Mood
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
A blonde, a brunette and a red head decide to swim the breast stroke out to an island. A couple of hours later, the red head walks ashore on the island. The brunette is not far behind her. Two days later, the blonde finally walks ashore and says, 'Boy, that was hard. I think the other two cheated, though. I think they used their arms.'
Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Suspects:
10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?!
She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend.
One side question, what the heck are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon.
Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!"
Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse".
6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip.
Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....
The number one downer abuser in toon land.
Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.
3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation.
Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean.
He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time.
Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him.
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs.
But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van!
Pretty rad design dude.
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One
particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When
she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, and the guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said,
"Um..would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
'If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,' boasts Gates, 'you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour,' says Gates.
'Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50,' he continues.
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, 'Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?'
Cover Your Face
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a
secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.
Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the
minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
A boy came home with a black eye crying, and said that his best friend had just beat him up. His mother asked what had happened and he told her that he just asked what a pink flamingo was. His mother flew into a rage and sent him up to his room with no supper. When the boy's father came home, he asked the boy why his mother had sent him to his room. The boy replied that he had only asked what a pink flamingo was. The father became so angry at the boy that he sent him out of the house with a suitcase and a piece of stale bread and shouted, 'get out, you are no longer my son.'
The boy walked a bit before he came upon a bum.
The bum asked why the boy's father had kicked him out. The boy said, 'I only asked him what a pink flamingo was.'
The bum cracked him over the head with a beer bottle. Two hours later the boy awoke in a hospital room. The nurse came in and asked why the bum hit him over the head with a beer bottle, he said that he had only asked what a pink flamingo was. The nurse was horrified and rushed him out of the hospital still on the stretcher.
The boy came upon another bum who of course asked him why he was rushed out of the hospital. The boy told him what had happened and asked him if he would please say what a pink flamingo was. The bum said, 'Well, I cannot tell you that, but if you round that corner and cross the street at the first left, you will find your answer.'
The boy did just that and was hit by a car and instantly died.
The moral of the story: Look both ways before
you cross the street.
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying,"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag
and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000
with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
The Raeside Rant:
For all of you that have picked up their phone at 6am, only to find it's a wrong number call from some moron too stupid to even push the correct buttons on their phone, here's your revenge:
This week in a Cayman Islands courtroom, two Canadians pleaded guilty to trying to
buy cocaine from an undercover police officer. Deputy Chief Jeff Jackson, of the Caymans Drugs Task Force testified he received a call on his cellular phone from
someone asking for "Kennedy", he told the caller he had the wrong number and hung up.
A few seconds later the phone rang again, with the same caller wanting to speak to
"Kennedy". Again, Deputy Jackson said he had the wrong number and tried to hang up,
but the caller was insistant that this was the right number and "could he please buy
some cocaine". You can guess the rest of the story: The buy is set up and two
Canadians end up as guests in the Crowbar Hotel.
They were both fined $1000, $500 for attempting to purchase a narcotic and $500 for being stupid and in charge of a telephone.
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results.
On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your privates for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
The Perfect Man
- a Poem
He has a
beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean.
How you KNOW you're in Southern California:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. The gym is packed at 3 pm ....on a work day.
17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 99".
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.
22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care.
23. You pass a elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
25. You AND your dog have therapists.
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
In Pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. For example Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on...
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today
that they have settled on "Mycoxafloppin"
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why
they record these conversations).
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know?"
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is"
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged
into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer."
An expectant couple were soon to have their first child.
Their doctor told them of a new invention to relieve the mother's pain during childbirth.
This invention could be attached to the mother and it would transfer the pain she experienced to the baby's father.
The couple talked it over and the husband was anxious to help his wife with her delivery. When the blessed time came, they opted to use the new invention. It was strapped to the mother and the dial was set at 1.
With the mother's contraction, the husband felt no pain. He asked that the dial
be adjusted to 3. With the next contractions, the mother felt less pain and the husband tolerated the experience well. The husband, feeling courageous and noble, asked that the dial be turned to 100%.
The nurse did so and the mother completed the entire labor and delivery with no
pain. The husband did not feel any pain either, and was certain that women had over-rated their plight in childbirth.
A few days later the happy new family returned home from the hospital. They were shocked as they drove into their driveway to see the mailman lying dead on the front porch.
Be a Good Girl, Get A Quarter
One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room.
Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.
"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.
"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
Become a Minister
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to
sit still and listen."
Dont try this excuses
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Virginia, playing a round golf one Saturday morning, watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The errant golf ball struck one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. Virginia rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But Virginia persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside his
crotch. She then began to massage him vigorously.
Virginia then asked him, "How does that feel?"
Obviously quite aroused, he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set.
She heard the train stop and her son said 'all you sons of bitches who are getting off-get the hell off now, and all of you sons of
bitches who are getting on-get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now.'
The mother went into the living room and told her son, 'we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language.'
Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you
stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car.
We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the
two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House.
"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theater."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he
asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.
"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
This guy is selling three parrots.
Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks,
'How much are your parrots?'
The salesman answers, 'The first one is $1,000.'
'What does he know?'
'He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.'
'How about the second one?'
'The second parrot costs $5,000.'
'What does he know?'
'He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.'
'Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering.'
'This one costs $20,000.'
'Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?'
'This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.''
2000-02-08: 2000-02-07: 2000-02-05: 2000-02-04: 2000-02-03: 2000-02-02: 2000-01-19 - 2000-02-01:
2000-01-19 - 2000-02-01:
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and
shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery."
Amanpreet had been moping around all
week, and the boss
wanted to know what was wrong.
What does Viagra and Disneyland have in
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to
the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a
bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to
anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the
Once some boys got together to play poker one
night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had
severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one
of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor,
examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim
had died of a heart attack.
On the first day of their
Honeymoon, the very naive blond
virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find
that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
There were two blondes and a brunette that were doing construction work on a road. The two blondes were down in the man hole
digging. The brunette was up on them road holding a road construction sign. Jenna,one of the blondes, asked the other
blonde,Sarah, why the brunette,Amy, got to stand up on the road and hold the sign while they were down in the man hole doing all of the
work. Sarah replied,"Well why don't you go ask her then". Jenna climbed up the man hole and asked Amy why she got to hold the sign and Sarah and herself had to do all of the
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around
town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first
house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint
the porch?" 2000-01-19:
What do call a chicken on the go? 2000-01-18:
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" 2000-01-17:
Harry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. A
police car pulled them over. 2000-01-13:
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the
reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their
wedding. He especially wanted to
thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything,
he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair
was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this
was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to
trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of
minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the
bride and said "F--- you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said,
"I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that
While most of us would have broken off the engagement
immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with
it anyway as if nothing was wrong.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just
live in it.
So, the thin-as-you-like popstrel went home, got down on her hands
and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.
What did the blonde say when she looked inside the box of
What do you get when you cross an athiest with a Jehovah's
A man has been told by his wife that he is not to go golfing. The man determined to golfing gets up early one morning and leaves with his friends to
play golf. When he gets back his wife's waiting for him and yells at him for
A man goes to Mexico for vacation to see the bullfight in the arena. 2000-01-06:
1) Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one
2) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
3) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current
4) Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
5) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
6). Manager: Sorry,but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
7). Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
8). Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his?
9). Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager!
10). Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
11). Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
12). Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
13). Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! 2000-01-04:
How did the butcher introduce his
THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM
PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.
THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM
PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.
*My son is under a doctor's care today and should
not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
and I had her shot.
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his
*John has been absent because he had two teeth
taken out of his face.
*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was
playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
*Megan could not come to school today because she
has been botheres by very close veins.
*Chris will not be in school because he has an
acre in his side.
*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
*I kept Billie home because she had to go
Christmas shopping because I don't know what size
*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off
the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.
*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We
have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.
*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under
*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she
had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and
ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore
throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Two aliens land on the
earth, near L.A. They get
out of their aircraft, take their scanners, and
start exploring their surroundings. After walking
for a while, they suddenly see a L.A.P.D. cap
lying in the middle of the road. So the first
alien says: 'UX251, do you see the object on the ground?' 99-12-29:
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the
side of the road. 99-12-28:
How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a