Peter´s Corner presents: Humor!
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2000-03-08 - 2000-03-13

#1

Things to Say at a Job Interview

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.

Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout; You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?' run out of room.

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'

Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.

 

#2

Revival

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

 

#3

Do Something Religious!

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are

on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's

all bow our heads and pray."

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the

minister asked.

"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.

"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.

The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

 

#4

Fireman Nativity

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small

feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the

lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read

the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

 

#5

Circumcised

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.

One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I' ve been circumcised." the other one says.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My Mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

 

#6

Leaking Pipe

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived, he was pleased to

discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone.

"He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we

left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What?

On my own time?"

 

#7

Golf and Sex

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what

the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down

to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner.

"She's cut some of us out altogether!"

 

#8

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor!!

 

#9

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...

 

#10

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

"Just where the heck do you think you're going!", said the man.

"I'm going to Las Vegas",said the wife, "I just found out I can't get $400 a night for what I give you for free!"

The man said,"Wait a minute!", and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

"Where the heck are you going?", said the wife.

The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"

 


 

2000-03-07

#1

25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK.....

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communication.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross"..

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

 

 

#2

Biggest Crush Ever

This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.

After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't

get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never

notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.

He kicks her in the face.

 


 

2000-03-06

 

Construction Worker

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends

him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

 


 

2000-03-05

 

#1 Merry Mood

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

 

#2 

A blonde, a brunette and a red head decide to swim the breast stroke out to an island. A couple of hours later, the red head walks ashore on the island. The brunette is not far behind her. Two days later, the blonde finally walks ashore and says, 'Boy, that was hard. I think the other two cheated, though. I think they used their arms.'

#3

Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Suspects:

10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)

Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

 

9. Olive Oyl

Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?!

She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend.

One side question, what the heck are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!

 

8. Snagglepuss

Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

 

7. He-Man

This is an easy one. I mean c'mon.

Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!"

Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse".

 

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo

We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip.

Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....

 

4. Droopy

The number one downer abuser in toon land.

Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

 

3. Dopey Dwarf

He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation.

Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

 

2. Daffy Duck

If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean.

He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time.

Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him.

 

1. Shaggy

By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs.

But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van!

Pretty rad design dude.

 


 

2000-03-04

 

Small Town

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He

approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

 


 

2000-03-03

 

THE PIG

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.  

After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One

particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for

romance!

Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman.  She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When

she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.  It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, and the guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said,

"Um..would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 


 

2000-03-02

 

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

'If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,' boasts Gates, 'you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour,' says Gates.

'Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50,' he continues.

In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, 'Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?'

 


 

2000-03-01

 

Cover Your Face

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a

secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.

Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the

minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

 


 

2000-02-29

 

A boy came home with a black eye crying, and said that his best friend had just beat him up. His mother asked what had happened and he told her that he just asked what a pink flamingo was. His mother flew into a rage and sent him up to his room with no supper. When the boy's father came home, he asked the boy why his mother had sent him to his room. The boy replied that he had only asked what a pink flamingo was. The father became so angry at the boy that he sent him out of the house with a suitcase and a piece of stale bread and shouted, 'get out, you are no longer my son.'

The boy walked a bit before he came upon a bum. 

The bum asked why the boy's father had kicked him out. The boy said, 'I only asked him what a pink flamingo was.'

The bum cracked him over the head with a beer bottle. Two hours later the boy awoke in a hospital room. The nurse came in and asked why the bum hit him over the head with a beer bottle, he said that he had only asked what a pink flamingo was. The nurse was horrified and rushed him out of the hospital still on the stretcher.

The boy came upon another bum who of course asked him why he was rushed out of the hospital. The boy told him what had happened and asked him if he would please say what a pink flamingo was. The bum said, 'Well, I cannot tell you that, but if you round that corner and cross the street at the first left, you will find your answer.'

The boy did just that and was hit by a car and instantly died.

 

The moral of the story: Look both ways before

you cross the street.

 


 

2000-02-28

 

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying,"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag

and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting

beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000

with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

 


 

2000-02-27

 

The Raeside Rant:

For all of you that have picked up their phone at 6am, only to find it's a wrong number call from some moron too stupid to even push the correct buttons on their phone, here's your revenge:

This week in a Cayman Islands courtroom, two Canadians pleaded guilty to trying to

buy cocaine from an undercover police officer. Deputy Chief Jeff Jackson, of the Caymans Drugs Task Force testified he received a call on his cellular phone from

someone asking for "Kennedy", he told the caller he had the wrong number and hung up.

A few seconds later the phone rang again, with the same caller wanting to speak to

"Kennedy". Again, Deputy Jackson said he had the wrong number and tried to hang up,

but the caller was insistant that this was the right number and "could he please buy

some cocaine". You can guess the rest of the story: The buy is set up and two

Canadians end up as guests in the Crowbar Hotel.

They were both fined $1000, $500 for attempting to purchase a narcotic and $500 for being stupid and in charge of a telephone.

 


 

2000-02-26

 

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results.

On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

 

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good.

 

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your privates for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

 

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

 

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

 


 

2000-02-25

 

The Perfect Man - a Poem


The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean 

He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean.


The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride.


The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming too.
He'll do anything in his power To show his love to you.


The perfect man is sweet, Writing poetry from your name.
He's a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain.


He has never made you cry Or hurt you in any way.
Oh, forget this stupid poem The perfect man is gay.

 

 


 

2000-02-24

 

How you KNOW you're in Southern California:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. The gym is packed at 3 pm ....on a work day.

17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 99".

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.

21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.

22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care.

23. You pass a elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

25. You AND your dog have therapists.

 


 

2000-02-23

 

Two Bit

 

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

 


 

2000-02-22

 

In Pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. For example Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on...

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today

that they have settled on "Mycoxafloppin"


2000-02-21

COMPUTER ERROR

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why

they record these conversations).

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

 

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

 

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

 

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."

"Oh."

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know?"

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.

Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is"

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged

into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

 

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have

the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer."


2000-02-18

An expectant couple were soon to have their first child. 

Their doctor told them of a new invention to relieve the mother's pain during childbirth.

This invention could be attached to the mother and it would transfer the pain she experienced to the baby's father.

The couple talked it over and the husband was anxious to help his wife with her delivery. When the blessed time came, they opted to use the new invention. It was strapped to the mother and the dial was set at 1. 

With the mother's contraction, the husband felt no pain. He asked that the dial

be adjusted to 3. With the next contractions, the mother felt less pain and the husband tolerated the experience well. The husband, feeling courageous and noble, asked that the dial be turned to 100%. 

The nurse did so and the mother completed the entire labor and delivery with no

pain. The husband did not feel any pain either, and was certain that women had over-rated their plight in childbirth.

A few days later the happy new family returned home from the hospital. They were shocked as they drove into their driveway to see the mailman lying dead on the front porch.


2000-02-17

Be a Good Girl, Get A Quarter

 

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room.

Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.

"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.

Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.

"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."


 

2000-02-16

 

Become a Minister 

 

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, 

"Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on  Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to

 sit still and listen."

 


 

2000-02-15

 

Dont try this excuses

 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.

3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.

6. Bad cop! No donut!

7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.

9. I pay your salary.

10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.

15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

 

 


 

2000-02-14

 

Still Hurts

Virginia, playing a round golf one Saturday morning, watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men  playing the next hole. 

The errant golf ball struck one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. Virginia rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 

She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But Virginia persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside his

crotch. She then began to massage him vigorously. 

Virginia then asked him, "How does that feel?"

Obviously quite aroused, he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 


2000-02-11

 

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. 

She heard the train stop and her son said 'all you sons of bitches who are getting off-get the hell off now, and all of you sons of

bitches who are getting on-get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now.'

The mother went into the living room and told her son, 'we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to

your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language.'

Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard

her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you

stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. 

We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the

two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'

 


 

2000-02-10

 

Best Thing

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. 

"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. 

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. 

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theater."

 


 

2000-02-09:

 

 

#1 

Escaped Bunny

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. 

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. 

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. 

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he

asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." 

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.

"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

 

#2

This guy is selling three parrots. 

Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks,

'How much are your parrots?'

The salesman answers, 'The first one is $1,000.'

'What does he know?'

'He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.'

'How about the second one?'

'The second parrot costs $5,000.'

'What does he know?'

'He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.'

'Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering.'

'This one costs $20,000.'

'Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?'

'This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.''

 

2000-02-08:

Once there were two best friends named Fred and DooDah. They loved to go fishing, & one day headed out to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the lake, DooDah hooked a huge fish, which proceeded to pull him overboard. He drowned.
Fred was brokenhearted. Now, after losing his best friend in the world, he had to tell DooDah's wife what had happened. He thought long and hard, but couldn't think of just the right words.
Finally, he knocked on her door, thinking that the right words would come when she opened the door. Well, DooDah's wife opened the door and heard Fred start singing, 'Guess who drowned in the lake today?...DooDah.....DooDah.


 

2000-02-07:

Mother In Law
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"


 

2000-02-05:

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice.
"I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake.
"It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself.
I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"


 

2000-02-04:

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."


 

2000-02-03:

Once there was man named Jim, who let his dog out to pee late one night.
He watched some tv, and then remembered to let the dog back in.
When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw!
In his dog't mouth was his neighbors cat, dead! "Bad dog! BAD DOG!", said the panicked man.
He took the cat away and looked at it.
He couldn't bring himself to tell his nieghbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the nieghbor's porch.
He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt.
It took him forever, he had to wash it four time, to get it all cleaned.
He brushed it's beautifull white fur as he blow dried it, and put it's collar back on.
Since it was so dark, he snuck into the neighbor's yard, and layed the cat down on the porch, in front of the door.
The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his nieghbor was outside.
"Hi," he said.
"Hi," replied Jim, nervously.
His neighbor said, "something weird happened last night."
"Oh yeh? What's that," asked Jim, sweating now.
"Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him, and this morning he was lying on my front porch!"


 

2000-02-02:

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."


2000-01-19 - 2000-02-01:

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery."
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."

Amanpreet had been moping around all week, and the boss wanted to know what was wrong.
"It's my wife," he replied. "She's fooling around with other men."
"Well... I can understand your mood then." said the boss.
"I wouldn't like that one damn bit either."
"No, no." said the bookkeeper. "It's not that. I just can't sleep with two other people in our small bed."

What does Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
You have to wait for an hour for a ride

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his wife answered the door, he calmly said to her:
'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!'
When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to just drop dead!'
Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!

There were two blondes and a brunette that were doing construction work on a road. The two blondes were down in the man hole digging. The brunette was up on them road holding a road construction sign. Jenna,one of the blondes, asked the other blonde,Sarah, why the brunette,Amy, got to stand up on the road and hold the sign while they were down in the man hole doing all of the work. Sarah replied,"Well why don't you go ask her then". Jenna climbed up the man hole and asked Amy why she got to hold the sign and Sarah and herself had to do all of the work.
Amy said,"Well,it all has to do with intelligence".
Jenna said,"Intelligence? What's that?"
Amy said,"See that tree over there?"
Amy put her hand in front of the tree.
"Try to hit my hand as hard as you can".
Jenna said,"Well,ok".
Jenna went to hit Amy's hand. Before she could hit it Amy moved her hand out of the way and Jenna hit the tree.
Jenna said,"Ok. I think I get it now".
Jenna then went back down the manhole.
Sarah said,"Well? What did she say?"
Jenna said,"Well,it all has to do with intelligence".
Sarah said,"Intelligence? What's that?"
Jenna replied,"Well,I'll show you. I'll put my hand in front of my face and you try to hit it as hard as you can"...

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


2000-01-19:

What do call a chicken on the go?
Poultry in motion


2000-01-18:

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."


2000-01-17:

Harry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.
'You were going eighty!' ,the officer yelled.
'Why on earth were you driving so fast?'
'We have a good reason,' Lloyd explained to the cop.
'Our brakes are no good-so we wanted to get there before we had an accident!'


2000-01-13:

Nr1:
This actually IS true - it was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it!

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.

He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said "F--- you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a reception with 300guests.
Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it.

nr2:
Posh Spice was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.
The shop owner saw who she was and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So, the thin-as-you-like popstrel went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.
Floppy haired hacker Beckham, upon hearing the huffing and puffing from outside the house, pulled a tracksuit over the skimpy knickers and peep-hole bra he was wearing and went into the courtyard.
"What are you doing?" Asked Becks.
Posh then told him how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out Beckham, clearly shocked at Poshes stupidity rolled his eyes.
"Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

nr3:
What's green and sits on the porch?
St. Patio furniture.


2000-01-12:

What did the blonde say when she looked inside the box of Cheerios?
'Oh look donut seeds'


2000-01-11:

What do you get when you cross an athiest with a Jehovah's witness?
Someone who knocks on your door and has nothing to say.


2000-01-10:

A man has been told by his wife that he is not to go golfing. The man determined to golfing gets up early one morning and leaves with his friends to play golf. When he gets back his wife's waiting for him and yells at him for disobeying.
The man says, 'Harry died today.'
The woman says sorry for his lousy day.
The man replies, 'Thanks, it was shoot, drag Harry, shoot, drag Harry, all day!'


2000-01-07:

A man goes to Mexico for vacation to see the bullfight in the arena.
He watches a few fights and then goes to a nearby restuarant. The manager serves him and gives him a menu of all this stuff he's never heard of before. He can't decide so he asks the manager, 'Well, give me the special of the day please, or whatever you think is good.'
The manager goes away and in 5 minutes he comes back with these 2 round things on a platter. The guy says 'wow! fast service'. The manager says, 'enjoy.'
So the guy eats it and makes a compliment to the manager, 'hmmm that was good, wut what was it?'
The manager says, 'well, its bull's balls from the arena, today the bull lost.'¨
So the next day he comes back and he has the same thing, this goes on for about 4 days. Then on the 5th day he comes back and asks for the same thing. The manager comes back with a plate and these two round small things. The guy asks,
'wha.....wh....wa... whats this? I asked for bull's balls'
The Manager says,
'Well, sir, the bulls don't always lose'.


2000-01-06:

1) Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

2) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

3) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

4) Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

5) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

6). Manager: Sorry,but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

7). Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

8). Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

9). Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

10). Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

11). Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife:I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

12). Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

13). Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son:That's why I say she's no good!


2000-01-04:

How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty!


99-12-31:


THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


99-12-30:

Two aliens land on the earth, near L.A. They get out of their aircraft, take their scanners, and start exploring their surroundings. After walking for a while, they suddenly see a L.A.P.D. cap lying in the middle of the road. So the first alien says: 'UX251, do you see the object on the ground?'
'Yes', answers the other, 'What could it be?'
'I don't know, UX251, pass the scanner and see if we can retrieve some data on it.'
So they scan the object. 'No data available, UZ11, what will we do now?'
The alien thinks for a while and picks up the cap, and puts it on his head. 'What could this object possibly be?' asks the other one.
'I don't know you weirdo,' says the alien, 'but I sure feel like beating the crap out of you.'


99-12-29:

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road.
As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.'
The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.
The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.'
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.'
The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool.!'


99-12-28:

How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- One, he stands still and the world revolves around him!